The I am

Insecurity.

We all have them, we all struggle with them, some more than others but we all have them.

Insecurity is probably the biggest sin I struggle with, and lately I have been battling with it quite a lot. The enemy definitely uses it to tear me down when I am already at my weakest.

I just finished reading "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell and the last night I listened to a God Story sermon with some friends, and God as shown me that it's not about me or my insecurities but about him.

In "Velvet Elvis" Rob Bell mentioned something that absolutely blew my mind:

"T'Shuva

The Hebrew word t'shuva means "to return". Return to the people we were originally created to be. The people God is remaking us into.

God makes us in His image. We reflect the beauty and creativity and wonder of the God who made us. And Jesus calls us to return to our true selves. The pure, whole people God originally intended us to be, before we veered off of course.

Somewhere in you is the you whom you were made to be.

We need you to be you.

We don't need a second anybody. We need the first you.

The problem is that the image of God is deeply scarred in each of us, and we lose trust in God's version of our story. It seems too god to be true. And so we go searching for identity. We achieve and we push and we shop and we work out and we accomplish great things, longing to repair the image. Longing to find an identity that feels right.

Longing to be comfortable in our own skin.

But the thing we are searching for is not somewhere else. It is right here. And we can only find it when we give up the search, when we surrender, when we trust. Trust that God is already putting us back together. "

So there is that.

Then the God Story sermon from last night was about Moses.
When God confronts Moses in the burning bush, Moses asks who God is. His response? I am.
Moses then goes on to tell God all about his insecurities and how is not capable to accomplish the task God has called him to.

What does God do? He says I am who I am.
He immediately turns the attention away from Moses and onto himself. Why? Because it is not about Moses, it's about God.
This really got to me. Why am I insecure? It's not about me, it's about God.
God created me, he loves me and he wants to use me, but it is all about Him. Because without him I am nothing.

I am, continue to show me that it is all about you and not about me, wash away my insecurities and show me who it is that you have created me to be.

Jacob

So the other night my friends Rachel, Eric and I listened to a God Story sermon on part of the book of Genesis. The part we listened to was about the lives of Isaac and Jacob.
Well, not only was my mind blown from this story but I realized how much I love Jacob.

Now, I know that there are some people out there who don't like Jacob, because he is a deceiver, but I think Jacob deserves a second chance.

What I love about Jacob is, that God used him.

Jacob stole his brother's birthright and deceived his family, but he paid, and God still used him.

Jacob had to work 7 years to get his wife Rachel but ended up getting Lea so he had to work 7 more years just get Rachel.Jacob wrestles with God, and has his hip injured, and Jacob is living in the fear of the fact that his brother Esau wants to kill him.

So yea Jacob is a deceiver but I think he paid because God disciplines those he loves, which is probably why God changed his name to Israel (wrestles with God).

That is the other thing that I love about Jacob so not only did God use him, he chose to name his people after him!

This deceitful lying man, God chose to name HIS people after HIM!

It amazes me, and gives me hope.

There is a point in the story where Jacob finally sees what his father Isaac and his grandfather Abraham had.
Rachel, Eric and I were talking about it and Isaac and Abraham made sacrifices and had struggles but they knew what it meant to follow God, it was different with Jacob.

He had to wrestle with God, and he finally came to a point where he understood what they had and he wanted it as his own.

I wish I could explain this more clearly but it just blows my mind!
It shows me that if there is hope for Jacob, if God can use Jacob this deceitful man, then there is hope for me and God can use me!

Joy

So since I have been back in Flagstaff my nights have consisted of long conversations and catching up with my roommates that I haven't seen in 6 months.

The other night my roommate Alida and I were talking and we stumbled upon the subject of joy.
We both have some big decisions that will be made in the near future, and depending on the outcome of these decisions it will be a pretty big step of faith with our relationship with God.

As we were talking about these issues and trying to calm each other down and not think of the worst we realized that God calls us to have joy.
Joy does not always mean happiness though.

We have to choose to be joyful even in hard situations. As the song says,

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

We have to praise God in the good and the hard times, we have to find the joy. The joy that we are alive, the joy that we get to spend eternity with him, the joy that we get to have a relationship with him, the joy that he has met all of our needs. There are so many things in this beautiful life to find joy in, even when the hard times come we need to choose to say "Lord Blessed be your name!"

My friend Elysha recently came back from Haiti, she had gone over to help with orphans who were victims of the earthquake. One of the things she had told me was that they people there were so full of joy. They are so happy to be alive and to have Jesus that is all that they needed. Even though they had lost their homes, their families and their friends, they were still so joyful because they were alive and they had the love of Jesus.

If the people of Haiti can find joy in times of hardship and suffering, we Americans can definitely find joy!

Home Sweet Home

Well I have been home for exactly one week.... okay in a few hours it will be exactly one week but you catch the drift.

I must say that I feel like I have been here much longer, and England seems so far in the past that its as if I never even went there.
I surprisingly miss it a lot already, I knew I would but I figured it would take a few weeks or months, I really loved it there though, I met so many amazing people and I just feel like they were all snatched away so quickly.
However, for now there is not much that I can do about that since I am back in the States and have no money to go back anytime soon.

I am moving up to Flagstaff on Saturday and I am so excited about it! As much as I missed my family and friends in Phoenix it will be good get back up to the mountains. It is hard for me to feel completely settled in and home in Phoenix when I know I have an apartment, roomies, summer school and hopefully a job awaiting in me in Flag. I also need to get out of this dang heat, I swear I do not remember Phoenix being so dang hot but I suppose that is because I was in the polar opposite of Phoenix all semester!

Being back has taken a weird toll on me emotionally, physically and spiritually. I honestly just think its Phoenix, but I just feel so dry, tired, insecure, and lost.
Hopefully once I am back in Flag and settled in I will start feeling back to my normal self, I think Phoenix and I are better friends from a distance....a two hour distance!

I know this blog seems so random and all over the place but that is pretty much how I feel right now. Maybe it's culture shock.

The Bittersweet

Well I never thought this day would come but alas it has. This is my last day in England and to be honest it is a very bittersweet feeling.

If someone were to have asked me on the first day that I arrived if I would feel sad about England my answer without hesitation would have been "NO!" But now that I have met some amazing people from around the world, I have had the amazing privilege to take part in a beautiful church sold out for Jesus, and have finally received the feeling of being settled in, I am actually quite sad to leave.

On the other hand, I am so very excited to go back to the States because there is so much to look forward too. I get to see my family and friends that I have missed dearly, and in a month I get to see my boyfriend and one of my very best friends!

However, there are some things I am not looking forward to school, being one of them, I won't go into detail on the others. I need Jesus to make my heart calm, and ready to go back to the States.
I feel I have changed a lot while being in England, and I feel that there are certain things that I will be going back to that my heart is not ready for. I do have faith and trust in my Savior to make my heart right, I know he has a plan and purpose for me and he has closed this adventure in England and is opening up a new one back in Arizona.

I am so very thankful for this opportunity that He has provided for me to come and study abroad. It is everything I expected and yet completely different at the same time!

Today I am off to Manchester, managing a bus and two trains with two large suitcases a backpack and a purse! I am staying the night at a hotel near the airport and tomorrow morning I will board a plane and fly off over the pond back to the States!

Although this adventure is closing, I hope that you will continue to read my blog and join me on my new adventure in Flagstaff, where I know God will be doing even more exciting things in my heart.

Jesus thank you so much for this amazing opportunity! I have loved it and am so grateful that you were willing to use me as a tool for your Kingdom. I ask that you prepare my heart as I go back to America, give me a loving attitude and mind and plenty of your love to share!