Engagement

Well this semester has been a crazy one, but the crazy has been mostly good.
It's not much of a secret that Barry and I got engaged on Sunday afternoon.
I thought this would be an appropriate place to tell the story.

There are two parts to the story, so I hope nobody minds that I share both parts.

Part One: The Ring

So, a couple of weeks ago Barry bought me a ring of a website called brilliantearth.com which is a jewelry company that uses non-conflict diamonds.
The day after he bought the ring, he was talking to his mom on the phone about how he bought and just expressing his hopes of this being good timing and God's timing. In the middle of their phone conversation, my dad called him.

Apparently my family had just inherited this ring from a very close and dear family friend Elizabeth Whitney, this ring was her mothers wedding ring and is over 100 years old. My dad had told Barry if had wanted it that he was more than welcome to it but there was no pressure. Immediately he felt confirmation on God's timing and called to cancel the ring he had previously ordered.
Last Monday Barry called my dad and asked him if he go down to Phoenix on Thursday and look at the ring and meet with my dad.

Before I continue on, it is important that everyone knows that I am a very hard person to surprise, Barry has struggled with that all of our dating relationship so what happens next is crucial to the surprise element.

Thursday comes around and I call Barry after my class gets out at 11:40 to ask if he wants to hang out and make lunch together. His response, "I can't I'm sorry, I am running errands on the east side of Flagstaff for my mom." (His mom is a Realtor and has had houses in Flagstaff before so that was not hard to believe)
I was bummed out but just went home and worked on homework. However, he was really in Phoenix talking to my dad and getting the ring.

Friday comes around and Barry asks if he can take me out on a date after church on Sunday, at first I said yes. I later realized that Sunday was college lunch at my church and I really wanted to go, I kept asking him if we could go on a date another time but he was very adamant about taking me out on Sunday.
I talked with my roommate Alida about it and she convinced me to go out on Sunday. She made two valid points; I am allergic to the majority of the food at college lunch and there will be more college lunches, so agreeing with her I said yes to our lunch date.

Sunday comes around, and after church Barry and I get in the car for our date. He handed me a single red rose, at the time I didn't think anything of it because it wasn't out of the ordinary. He asked me to close me eyes because he wanted where we were going on our date to be a surprise.
We drove for about 20 minutes, and all I could think about was, "where the heck are we going?"
Finally, we parked and Barry told me to open my eyes, we were surrounded by a a huge field.
I gathered together that we were going on a picnic, but not only was it a picnic, it was my very first picnic.

Barry gathered the blankets, the picnic basket, and the food we headed down towards the field, it was in that moment that I realized this was the field that we had built our first snowman together (and my first snowman ever).
I watched Barry set everything up for our picnic and went over to sit down but he asked me to stay standing. He finished setting up the picnic walked over to me and gave me a hug. I looked up at him and he had this huge smile on his face. I asked him why he was being so smiley and he said, "I just love you a lot" I responded by saying, "I love you a lot too."
Then, he backed up, got down on on knee, and said, "Will you marry me?"
I was in so much shock that I was speechless, I was certain he hadn't talked to my dad and this was so unexpected. Through the shock, teary eyes, and joy I managed to say, "Yes!"

Barry and I are so excited that God has brought us this far and walked with us through our relationship. We cannot wait to see what he has in store and what he wants to teach us through our engagement and marriage.

We are planning to get married on the 18th of June 2011.

A Light In a Dark Place

I recently got a job at Chili's, and it didn't take long for me to realize that I am the only Christian who works there, at least the only one who is vocal about it.

I really enjoy working at Chili's and I love all the people who work there, it is a great group of people to work with, but I quickly realized that I have a much larger responsibility to these people then just simply being their co-worker.
Chili's is a fairly "dark" place in regards to Jesus and his Spirit, seeing as no one there is really a believer and many of them have very corrupted minds.

At, first I was honored and excited that I was the only Christian there because I thought this would be such an amazing evangelistic opportunity, I however have been quickly boggled down and drained.
The goal of many of my coworkers, at least the male ones, is to corrupt me and take away my innocence and naivety. They are constantly making filthy, perverted jokes, that I am completely clueless as to why they are funny, and then I am teased for my innocence all throughout my shift.

I am not offended or annoyed at the situation but it didn't take long to realize that being a light in a dark place is a lot harder than it seems. I have to constantly be on my guard and guarding myself, and I have to be constantly asking Jesus to fill me with wisdom, strength and words to continue on. Fighting "alone" can be exhausting.

The great thing is, even though from an outsiders perspective I look like I am fighting alone and I am fighting against all odds. I have the Almighty Jesus Christ on my side, who knows no limitations or boundaries.

If I didn't have that hope to cling to daily, I don't think I could make it through my shifts everyday.

The Forest

The other day I was having a pretty bad day, I don't know exactly what was wrong but there were several things that played into my mood that day.
I tried to forget about everything and enjoy the day but it wasn't working, so I decided to go on a walk in the forest.

I was gone for five hours.

I wasn't walking the whole time though, I found this amazing rock, and I just sat there for hours pouring my heart out to Jesus asking him to bring me comfort, healing, and peace.

Out of this five hour adventure in the forest came this:

I've come to you lost and confused
I've come to you full of questions
I've come to you wondering how this could be.
I'm not worthy of your affection
Still you love me
and you call me by name
Still you heal me
and you touched my wounds
Still you listen to me
and you've given me answers
I've come to you hungry and broken
I've come to you with opposition
I've come to you weak and looking for strength
I'm not worthy of your affection
Still you love m
and you call me by name
Still you heal me
and you touched my wounds
Still you listen to me
and you've given me answers
You've taken my brokenness and made me whole
You've taken my fears and replaced them with courage
You've taken my insecurities and shown me I'm worthy of your affection
Still you love me
and you call me by name
Still you heal me
and you touched my wounds
Still you listen to me
and you've given me answers

The I am

Insecurity.

We all have them, we all struggle with them, some more than others but we all have them.

Insecurity is probably the biggest sin I struggle with, and lately I have been battling with it quite a lot. The enemy definitely uses it to tear me down when I am already at my weakest.

I just finished reading "Velvet Elvis" by Rob Bell and the last night I listened to a God Story sermon with some friends, and God as shown me that it's not about me or my insecurities but about him.

In "Velvet Elvis" Rob Bell mentioned something that absolutely blew my mind:

"T'Shuva

The Hebrew word t'shuva means "to return". Return to the people we were originally created to be. The people God is remaking us into.

God makes us in His image. We reflect the beauty and creativity and wonder of the God who made us. And Jesus calls us to return to our true selves. The pure, whole people God originally intended us to be, before we veered off of course.

Somewhere in you is the you whom you were made to be.

We need you to be you.

We don't need a second anybody. We need the first you.

The problem is that the image of God is deeply scarred in each of us, and we lose trust in God's version of our story. It seems too god to be true. And so we go searching for identity. We achieve and we push and we shop and we work out and we accomplish great things, longing to repair the image. Longing to find an identity that feels right.

Longing to be comfortable in our own skin.

But the thing we are searching for is not somewhere else. It is right here. And we can only find it when we give up the search, when we surrender, when we trust. Trust that God is already putting us back together. "

So there is that.

Then the God Story sermon from last night was about Moses.
When God confronts Moses in the burning bush, Moses asks who God is. His response? I am.
Moses then goes on to tell God all about his insecurities and how is not capable to accomplish the task God has called him to.

What does God do? He says I am who I am.
He immediately turns the attention away from Moses and onto himself. Why? Because it is not about Moses, it's about God.
This really got to me. Why am I insecure? It's not about me, it's about God.
God created me, he loves me and he wants to use me, but it is all about Him. Because without him I am nothing.

I am, continue to show me that it is all about you and not about me, wash away my insecurities and show me who it is that you have created me to be.

Jacob

So the other night my friends Rachel, Eric and I listened to a God Story sermon on part of the book of Genesis. The part we listened to was about the lives of Isaac and Jacob.
Well, not only was my mind blown from this story but I realized how much I love Jacob.

Now, I know that there are some people out there who don't like Jacob, because he is a deceiver, but I think Jacob deserves a second chance.

What I love about Jacob is, that God used him.

Jacob stole his brother's birthright and deceived his family, but he paid, and God still used him.

Jacob had to work 7 years to get his wife Rachel but ended up getting Lea so he had to work 7 more years just get Rachel.Jacob wrestles with God, and has his hip injured, and Jacob is living in the fear of the fact that his brother Esau wants to kill him.

So yea Jacob is a deceiver but I think he paid because God disciplines those he loves, which is probably why God changed his name to Israel (wrestles with God).

That is the other thing that I love about Jacob so not only did God use him, he chose to name his people after him!

This deceitful lying man, God chose to name HIS people after HIM!

It amazes me, and gives me hope.

There is a point in the story where Jacob finally sees what his father Isaac and his grandfather Abraham had.
Rachel, Eric and I were talking about it and Isaac and Abraham made sacrifices and had struggles but they knew what it meant to follow God, it was different with Jacob.

He had to wrestle with God, and he finally came to a point where he understood what they had and he wanted it as his own.

I wish I could explain this more clearly but it just blows my mind!
It shows me that if there is hope for Jacob, if God can use Jacob this deceitful man, then there is hope for me and God can use me!

Joy

So since I have been back in Flagstaff my nights have consisted of long conversations and catching up with my roommates that I haven't seen in 6 months.

The other night my roommate Alida and I were talking and we stumbled upon the subject of joy.
We both have some big decisions that will be made in the near future, and depending on the outcome of these decisions it will be a pretty big step of faith with our relationship with God.

As we were talking about these issues and trying to calm each other down and not think of the worst we realized that God calls us to have joy.
Joy does not always mean happiness though.

We have to choose to be joyful even in hard situations. As the song says,

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to say
Lord, Blessed be your name

We have to praise God in the good and the hard times, we have to find the joy. The joy that we are alive, the joy that we get to spend eternity with him, the joy that we get to have a relationship with him, the joy that he has met all of our needs. There are so many things in this beautiful life to find joy in, even when the hard times come we need to choose to say "Lord Blessed be your name!"

My friend Elysha recently came back from Haiti, she had gone over to help with orphans who were victims of the earthquake. One of the things she had told me was that they people there were so full of joy. They are so happy to be alive and to have Jesus that is all that they needed. Even though they had lost their homes, their families and their friends, they were still so joyful because they were alive and they had the love of Jesus.

If the people of Haiti can find joy in times of hardship and suffering, we Americans can definitely find joy!

Home Sweet Home

Well I have been home for exactly one week.... okay in a few hours it will be exactly one week but you catch the drift.

I must say that I feel like I have been here much longer, and England seems so far in the past that its as if I never even went there.
I surprisingly miss it a lot already, I knew I would but I figured it would take a few weeks or months, I really loved it there though, I met so many amazing people and I just feel like they were all snatched away so quickly.
However, for now there is not much that I can do about that since I am back in the States and have no money to go back anytime soon.

I am moving up to Flagstaff on Saturday and I am so excited about it! As much as I missed my family and friends in Phoenix it will be good get back up to the mountains. It is hard for me to feel completely settled in and home in Phoenix when I know I have an apartment, roomies, summer school and hopefully a job awaiting in me in Flag. I also need to get out of this dang heat, I swear I do not remember Phoenix being so dang hot but I suppose that is because I was in the polar opposite of Phoenix all semester!

Being back has taken a weird toll on me emotionally, physically and spiritually. I honestly just think its Phoenix, but I just feel so dry, tired, insecure, and lost.
Hopefully once I am back in Flag and settled in I will start feeling back to my normal self, I think Phoenix and I are better friends from a distance....a two hour distance!

I know this blog seems so random and all over the place but that is pretty much how I feel right now. Maybe it's culture shock.